


Raided

by AsbestosMouth



Series: Mayflower [4]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - World of Warcraft Fusion, But it's not in game, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Humor, It's totally guild chat, M/M, Ramsay is his own warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-14 14:16:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8017231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsbestosMouth/pseuds/AsbestosMouth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stannis Baratheon and Davos Seaworth, avid players of the Westerosi version of <em>World of Warcraft<em>, co-lead a slightly worse than average raiding guild called <Seven Kingdoms>. Thankfully - nice one, Jaime - they manage to get their hands on a more-than-average tank; Brienne. Shame the rest of the guild, apart from Beric and Jon, just arse about most of the time. Or try and have sex with guildies. Or actually dare to have social lives. The shame.</em></em></p><p> </p><p>  <em></em><br/><em>Chatlogs. It's all written in chatlogs. All of it. Every. Single. Bit.</em><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hot Pallytank FTW!!!1111!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hardlyfatal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardlyfatal/gifts).



> I am aware that the chat isn't strictly Blizzard-esque; guild chat uses character names rather than Battle.net player names, so I've mushed that in from _Elder Scrolls: Online_ so I can have personally amusing chat handles. Apologies for the horrible 1337speak and the hideous (intentional, I swear) spelling.
> 
> Is it even called 1337 any more?
> 
> Lok'tar ogar, my friends. Lok'tar bloody ogar. List of characters/classes etc. can be put up if needed.

* * *

 

 

 **LionofCastamere** : dudes totes found pally 4 gild lol!!!

 **Lightbringer** : Please remember to adhere to correct grammar and spelling in guild chat, please. There is a no ‘leet’ rule for a reason.

 **LionofCastamere** : iz like best tank eva and u discrimin8 cos i only hav 1 hand lol u r a nub

 **Lightbringer** : I think my gear and affinity for high level raiding suggests I am not a ‘noob,’ thank you. CaptainSnuggles has a disability, and he types perfectly well.

 **LionofCastamere** : u r totes nub nub lol!!!

**_LionofCastamere has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**Lightbringer** : I just could not abide by his flagrant disregard for punctuation any longer.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : we could do with a good tank Stannis, you are so talented at DPS

 **Lightbringer** : Are you finally going to change that ridiculous nickname?

 **CaptainSnuggles** : I didn’t choose it, your daughter did

 **Lightbringer** : You are quite snuggly, I suppose.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : bring the laptop in here, you need to be captained

 

* * *

 

**_Oathkeeper joins the guild <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_Oathkeeper joins Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_Guild Message of the Day: Tower of Joy raid postponed until Sunday 21.00. Please amend your sign-up accordingly._ **

**Lightbringer** : Good evening, Oathkeeper, and welcome to the guild. May I be the first to welcome you to Seven Kingdoms? Please read the information in the Guild Message.

 **LionofCastamere** : WENCH U TOTES JOINED!!! :D:D:D:D

 **Oathbringer** : Hi. Thank you for inviting me.

 **LionofCastamere** : ur best tank lol beter than light cos he sucks balls

 **CaptainSnuggles** : that’s enough, Lion

 **LionofCastamere** : soz snuggles

 **Oathkeeper** : Should I register on the forums?

 **Lightbringer** : Yes, if you would. Thank you for typing in complete sentences.

 **MaesterT** : wwwwwwaaaaawww1111

 **CaptainSnuggles** : Maester, press enter

 **MaesterT** : sorry i forgot i was running and then i hit the wrong button sorry :(

 **KnowsEverything** : U alright Sam?

 **MaesterT** : yes u okay? I am killing kobolds :) they are scary but i am melting faces :D cant wait to raid with u guys u are so nice :D

 **KnowsEverything** : hey new pally, what race/spec?

 **Oathkeeper** : I have registered under this name, and await my confirmation email.

 **Oathkeeper** : Human/Protection, with Retribution offspec. I prefer tanking, however.

 **LionofCastamere** : she is bst tank eva!!!

 **IronSquid** : we got a woman like this isn’t sausagefest no more?

 **FlayForPay** : always about the dick with you Squid.

 **IronSquid** : D:< u love it, got any ramen? Hungry dude. Like send pizza and i blow u

 **Lightbringer** : Confirmation email has been sent. You are officially a member of the forums. Please read the forum rules. If there is anything you do not understand, please ask myself or Snuggles.

**_RedViper has come online_ **

**_RosesAreRed has come online_ **

**RedViper** : Good evening, beautiful friends.

 **RosesAreRed** : Ola!

 **CaptainSnuggles** : good evening you two. How was dinner?

 **RedViper** : Rose is tipsy. He has turned pink. We are doing our dailies and then I shall take him away to bed and ravish him.

 **RosesAreRed** : new guildie Viper so we best be good. Ola new guildie!

 **RedViper** : Ah, we have lured another willing victim.

 **Oathkeeper** : Good evening.

 **LionofCastamere** ; u r not havin her wench iz mine fuk off oby u perv

 **RedViper** : The lion shows his claws. How adorable.

 **Oathkeeper** : My name, as I have explained a million times, is Oathkeeper. Not Wench.

 **LionofCastamere** : :D:D:D:D name iz sexy

 **RedViper** : Light must adore your complete sentences.

 **IronSquid** : she is gril Oby

 **RedViper** : I gathered.

 **IronSquid** : no sausagefest.

 **FlayForPay** : ordering you a meatfeast so you finally get sausage in your gob. They deliver in about thirty.

 **IronSquid** : love you Flay totally give u my sausage anyday *wink*

 **FlayForPay** : fuck off Reek. How stoned are you?

 **IronSquid** : cant see my hand its all gone wibbly and YoungWolf is laughing about walruses because he is watchin david attinburgh attenbro?

 **RedViper** : Oh to be in university and living in a communal house of young men again.

 **IronSquid** : u coming over?

 **RedViper** : Is that an invitation?

 **IronSquid** : not u perv. Flay. we are goin to play MUNCHKIN.

 **KnowsEverything** : shit, I forgot to put the beer in the fridge

 **MaesterT** : i did it :)

 **KnowsEverything** : nice one Sam

 **IronSquid** : <3 u are a good man sam

 **FlayForPay** : rather remove my own cock with a gelding knife.

 **IronSquid** : u are no fun no more Ramsay

 **FlayForPay** : shouldn’t have dumped me then.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : no, you are not starting to argue again. I will ban you if needed, Flay and Squid.

 **FlayForPay** : got a date anyway. Bigger cock than yours.

 **IronSquid** : bitch my cock is huge

 **CaptainSnuggles** : that is it

**_FlayForPay has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_IronSquid has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**KnowsEverything** : Squid says we go play Munchkin now. Nice meeting u new pally, look forward to DPSing with you. I am Nelf/Hunter beastmaster w/wolf pet.

 **MaesterT** : hope u all have a good night :) really nice having a lady about we need more ladies but not meaning so we can make it weird but because girls are nice :) :) nice seeing a girl tanking bcos most heal witch is silly. Night night :) :) :)

 **Lightbringer** : Thank you for kicking them, Snuggles.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : not at all, Lightbringer. Nice cup of tea?

 **Lightbringer** : Would you put some whisky in it, please?

 **CaptainSnuggles** : always. Won’t be a sec

 **LionofCastamere** : gys you totes sit nxt 2 each other why u type shit lol???

 **CaptainSnuggles** : It is how we role

 **Lightbringer** : …

 **CaptainSnuggles** : sorry Stannis

 **Lightbringe** r: I would have words, Davos.

**_CaptainSnuggles is <AFK>_ **

**_Lightbringer is <AFK>_ **

**LionofCastamere** : Snuggles is gonna get it lol!”!!!

 **RosesAreRed** : Light is fierce! Like Beyonce! :D:D

 **RedViper** : Rose is very very drunk. His smiley use increases after each glass. He is adorable.

 **RosesAreRed** : you fed me wine out of the bottle so it is your fault! :D:D:D

 **Oathkeeper** : This is quite an interesting experience for a new person.

 **LionofCastamere** : u stay wit me i prtect u!!!

 **RedViper** : Quickly, before Rose falls asleep and I miss the window of sexual opportunity. Light and Snuggles are married. Squid, Maester, and Knows live with YoungWolf who is watching natural history programmes. They are at university in King’s Landing. Flay is Squid’s ex who may or may not be a stalker. I am Viper, and Rose is my partner. He is also dribbling on his mouse mat. You obviously know Lion.

 **RosesAreRed** : do we have any more wine? :P

 **RedViper** : sweet boy, you can talk with your mouth? We are not Stavos, are we?

 **RosesAreRed** : Stannis types to Davos so I can type to you :D:D:D

 **RedViper** : gods, why is he that pretty when he is drunk? And now it is time he puts his mouth to other uses.

 **RosesAreRed** : rijg00w8ugwj]!!!!!!!!

**_Lightbringer goes offline_ **

**_CaptainSnuggles returns from <AFK>_ **

**CaptainSnuggles** : he has gone to bed with a migraine. Did I miss much?

 **Oathkeeper** : Guild chat has been quite self-explanatory. Is it always like this?

 **CaptainSnuggles** : apologies for everything. Friday nights are always a bit of a trial, when there has been drinking and other substances inhaled

 **LionofCastamere** : i hav cider it is shit lol!!! U drinkin snuggles

 **CaptainSnuggles** : yes, because I have to deal with you lot without Light. Single malt for me tonight. I hope Viper took Rose AFK to do whatever he is doing. I’d rather not have guild chat spammed with flailing hands. He’s bad enough in the pub with flailing. Last time he took out a lampshade and threw port and lemon around again

**_ManLovesBear comes online_ **

**_ReleasetheHound comes online_ **

**_SneakyBackstabber comes online_ **

**_HalfmanhalfGod comes online_ **

**_Anonymous comes online_ **

**_LordofLightning comes online_ **

**_Whisperer comes online_ **

**HalfmanhalfGod** : evening all

 **LionofCastamere** : y0 brozki u ok

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : how drunk are you??

 **LionofCastamere** : WE GOT A NU TANK SHE IZ EPIC LOL!!!!!! She iz mine u cant have her

 **Whisperer** : Oathkeeper, I presume? Get out. Get out now. Before you are infected, darling.

 **Oathkeeper** : Hi to everyone who has just logged on.

**_ReleasetheHound goes <AFK>_ **

**SneakyBackstabber** : Hound pulled some hot bird and she dont care about his ugly face. Hes gone to shag.

 **Whisperer** : And he felt the need to log in first? Dedication, thy name is Hound.

 **ManLovesBear** : hi new paladin lady! Im the druid bear tank! Good havin another tank about since stannis is a bit shit because he likes swingin his 2hand mace like he’s compensatin for a tiny pecker!

 **ManLovesBear** : dont say nothin Snuggles cos the bear aint listenin!

 **LordofLightning** : Great seeing another paladin about, Oathkeeper. Fancy swapping specs? I’m levelling a tank, and it would be great to get some input if that’s okay with you?

 **LionofCastamere** : u get of my wench she iz not urs beric!!!!

 **LordofLightning** : Lion, seriously? She’s her own person, not yours, or anyone else’s, apart from hers. Don’t be a dick.

 **LionofCastamere** : u r so gay

 **LordofLightning** : Yep.

 **LionofCastamere** : :’( no 1 luvs me

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : do i need to come over there bro?

 **LionofCastamere** : beric is gay an stealinh my wench :(

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : have you ever met Oathkeeper in person or are you projecting right now?

 **LionofCastamere** : her avatar iz pritty it has blond hare and nice bum lol!

 **Oathkeeper** : The actuality of me does not measure up to my character. Sorry to disappoint you, Lion.

 **LordofLightning** : No Flay tonight? He said something about level 19 twinking, and I thought I’d join him.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : he got banned for arguing with Squid again. How many alts do you have, Beric?

 **LordofLightning** : Never enough alts, never enough time. I need to email him the address of my therapist.

 **LordofLightning** : The arguing is not conducive to zen-like behaviour, he always seems so tense.

 **LordofLightning** : Perhaps I should recommend a masseuse for him?

 **Whisperer** : Beric, are you as ridiculously laid-back in real life? Part of me is convinced you slaughter puppies for a living.

 **LordofLightning** : It is a Red Priest thing, Whisperer. The yin and yang of existence, of light following darkness, the never-ending dance of the Lord of Light and the Nothing of Destruction. I find the vanquishing of the darkness very soothing.

 **LionofCastamere** : LOL HIPPY!

 **Whisperer** : Remind me not to take you anywhere near fire, dear. I rather keep what hair I actually possess.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : how was the pub, pub people? I see it is after closing time

 **Anoymous** : a man kissed a woman

 **SneakyBackstabber** : Rose’s sister is friggin hot mate. Got her number and all that good shit

 **Anonymous** : a rose is never without thorns

 **SneakyBackstabber:** she totally gave me the thorn lol!

 **ManLovesBear** : OMG just realised who oathkeeper is! OMGOMGOMG!

 **ManLovesBear** : we pugged and you rocked up because we lost our main tank and i just thought you were amazin

 **ManLovesBear** : i was only a little cub just startin tankin and you were amazin and i wanted to be like you!

 **LionofCastamere** : she iz mine!!!!!!!

 **ManLovesBear** : she is the best pallytank on the server! She makes videos about it and she has a nice voice!

 **LionofCastamere** : need adress NOW!!!!!!

 **ManLovesBear** : look 4 Brienne Explains It All on Utube

 **LionofCastamere** : iz ur name Brinee?

 **LionofCastamere** : Brieeenne?

 **Oathkeeper** : Yes, Bear, that is me. I thought I recognised your name.

 **LionofCastamere** : Briney i am jaime

 **Oathkeeper** : A pleasure to meet you, Jaime.

 **LionofCastamere** : she liks me mor than u bear :D:D:D:D:D LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

 **ManLovesBear** : she recognised me!

 **Whisperer** : Davos, please control the children?

 **CaptainSnuggles** : you two, stop right now. Brienne is a person, as Beric says, and no one will argue over her. I know that you two are incapable of acting appropriately with women, but I expect you to at least try

 **Whisperer** : That is why you pulled yummy Stannis, darling. So commanding.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : thank you, Whisperer. He is yummy, isn’t he?

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : on my way over Lion

 **LionofCastamere** : nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : either me or Whisperer, u choose, or u go to bed and sleep it all off

 **LionofCastamere** : fuck u tyr

 **LionofCastamere** : nite nit Breemy. Gonna wtch ur videos now ;)

**_LionofCastamere goes offline_ **

**LordofLightning** : Bear, you have to be up in the morning, remember. Go and get some good quality shut-eye.

 **ManLovesBear** : Hound is being loud!

 **LordofLightning** : There are earpugs in your bedside table, along with aspirin.

 **LordofLightning** : *earplugs, sorry.

 **ManLovesBear** : night Oathkeeper, you are my favourite tank! And you have a lovely voice!

 **Oathkeeper** : Good night, Bear.

**_ManLovesBear goes offline_ **

**HalfmanhalfGod** : and then there were the adults left

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : holding up ok there Davos?

 **CaptainSnuggles** : Stannis has a migraine, so I am letting him get to sleep completely before I go to bed and disturb him

 **SneakyBackstabber** : u including me in the adulting? Cool :D

 **Whisperer** : Some of us are aware of your actual age, Bronn, even if you do lie to seduce students.

 **SneakyBackstabber** : cant help it if I am smoking hot V :D

 **Whisperer** : You do have an impressive line in leather trousers, it must be said.

 **Whisperer** : Is Oberyn about? I need to have my ring enchanted, and no, no sniggering, that is far too weak for sniggering. He is logged in.

 **Oathkeeper** : I presume that is the ‘Oby’ that I saw referred to, and therefore Viper? I think Rose has had a little too much to drink and so he is putting him to bed.  
**Anonymous** : a man will use his penis to put another man to bed

 **SneakyBackstabber** : fucks sake Jaqen, dont need to think of Obys cock

 **CaptainSnuggles** : it is their six month anniversary today, they went out for dinner

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : has he fucked around on Willas yet? He fucks around on everyone else

 **Anonymous** : a man remains faithful - he is not a whore for once and has not mentioned threesomes yet

 **LordofLightning** : Sorry, back now. Tor phoned to complain loudly about Sandor. I can do that ring for you if you like, Varys? I’ve got all of the professions at max level.

 **LordofLightning** : Jaqen? How do you know so much?

 **Anonymous** : a man is masterful at many things

 **Anonymous** : also computer hacking and email fraud

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : might hold you to that one day

 **Oathkeeper** : Viper gave me a run-down of the people online at the time, but didn’t really mention the rest of you.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : just checked chat, he didn’t say anything scandalous at least

 **CaptainSnuggles** : Halfman is Lion’s brother. He owns a pub, where most of us drink or, like me and Bronn, work. It was how we met up and found a mutual interest in computer games

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : U are so getting dragged there oath.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : Bronn (Sneaky) is the bouncer at the pub. Sandor (Hound) and Tormund, who is Bear, rent a flat together

 **CaptainSnuggles** : Beric is our moral compass

 **LordofLightning** : Hail and well met, paladin.

 **Whisperer** : I am dying to see what you shall say about me, Davos.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : Varys is Varys. He is inexplicable

 **Whisperer** : You sound like your deliciously taciturn husband, dear.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : he is deliciously taciturn, isn’t he?

 **LordofLightning** : Stannis - Lightbringer - is a lawyer and a grammar Nazi. Davos is the nicest man in King’s Landing.

 **CaptainSnuggles** : I wouldn’t know about that

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : your fourteen year old stepdaughter calls you Captain Snuggles so doesnt that tell you anything?

 **Oathkeeper** : Did you name your account after your stepdaughter? That is really sweet.

 **Anonymous** : a man is also clingy in bed, it is told. an email chain has been discovered

 **CaptainSnuggles** : …

 **HalfmanhalfGod** : Jaqen is awesome but types really weird

 **Anonymous** : a man thanks you

 **LordofLightning** : Would it be too presumptuous to ask you about yourself, Oathkeeper? Obviously, if you do not want to say anything, we very much understand.

 **Oathkeeper** : No, it is fine. You have trusted me, after all. I’m a physical therapist, working in King’s Landing like the rest of you.

 **Oathkeeper** : Brienne, by the way. My name is Brienne.

 **Oathkeeper** : Definitely not Briney.

 **Oathkeeper** : He’s going to call me Britney, I can feel it in my bones.

 

* * *

 


	2. Crisis? What Crisis?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Useful list of people, Battle.net tags, race and class combos, and character name. Huzzah!_ Also, they play on the Westerosi version of Proudmoore. Because I want to. And I can't really. Because eight hours time difference. So I live vicariously through these characters. Meh.
> 
> **Oathkeeper** \- Brienne - human (f) protection paladin - Tarthisa  
>  **LionofCastamere** \- Jaime - human (m) arms warrior - Lionyl  
>  **ManLovesBear** \- Tormund - Night Elf (m) guardian druid - Wyldroar  
>  **Lightbringer** \- Stannis - human (m) retribution paladin - Stastin  
>  **CaptainSnuggles** \- Davos - Dwarf (m) restoration shaman - McSnuggles  
>  **KnowsEverything** \- Jon - Night Elf (m) beastmaster hunter - Snowblind  
>  **YoungWolf** \- Robb - Worgen (m) fury warrior - Youngwolf  
>  **MaesterT** \- Sam - Dwarf (m) holy priest - Maestertee  
>  **IronSquid** \- Theon - Night Elf (f) marksman hunter - Jigglez  
>  **FlayForPay** \- Ramsay - Gnome (m) shadow priest - Flay  
>  **LordofLightning** \- Beric - Draenei (m) fire mage - Rhyllar  
>  **ReleasetheHound** \- Sandor - Worgen (m) unholy death knight - Straynjer  
>  **HalfmanhalfGod** \- Tyrion - Gnome (m) afflicition warlock - Impudence  
>  **Whisperer** \- Varys - Pandarian (m) mistweaver monk - Huamei  
>  **SneakyBackstabber** \- Bronn - Night Elf (f) combat rogue - Schneeka  
>  **RedViper** \- Oberyn - human (m) subtlety rogue - Vypertongue  
>  **RosesAreRed** \- Willas - Gnome (f) arcane mage - Rosylee  
>  **Anonymous** \- Jaqen - Worgen (m) feral druid - Anondru

* * *

 

 

**LordofLightning** : Here’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you all, out of interest. What made you decide upon your main character as your main?

**FlayforPay** : mindflay. Because flaying is the shit.

**FlayforPay** : not enough flaying in game. Don’t get to torture enough. Why we playing alliance when we could be Horde? Could have been a sweet cannibal facemelting flaybitch Forsaken Priest. Could have a harem of Blood Elves to find me prey.

**LordofLightning** : I thought that your nickname was because you enjoy Mindflaying as a priest? Is that wrong?

**IronSquid** : ramsay watches flaying films u know where ppl skin shit. Hes like hannibal lecter. No lol

**LordofLightning** : That is quite an interesting hobby.

**FlayforPay** : flaying is my life.

**FlayforPay** : fuck you Squid, you love Hannibal.

**IronSquid** : just because he is hot and got cheekbones like willas not because he eats people lol!

**FlayforPay** : you never said you got a thing for Willas. Did you have a thing for Willas when I was making you scream my name on a nightly basis? Were you thinking of that little Tyrell bitch?

**IronSquid** : not ur problem ne more LOL!

**FlayforPay** : I am going to flay your cock you bitch.

**_FlayForPay has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_IronSquid has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**Whisperer** : Et voila.

**LordofLightning** : Bravo, Varys!

**Whisperer** : You may shower me with gold and epics later for that, dear.

**LionofCastamere** : whn u get kickin privs V

**Whisperer** : I always have had them, Jaime. Just some of us operate quietly in the background, making sure <Seven Kingdoms> runs smoothly. We are not showy, or obvious, we are just there for the good of the guild.

**LionofCastamere** : i want gild privs ive been here longer thn u

**Whisperer** : You also have appalling spelling, and Stannis will not relinquish power to one who does not understand the Oxford comma.

**LionofCastamere** : wtf?!

**Whisperer** : Possibly lurking again, as I am in a meeting. Gods, Petyr Baelish is possibly the most boring person in the whole of King’s Landing.

**ReleasetheHound** : HE WANTS TO FUCK SANSA AND THAT IS UNACCEPTIBLE AS FUCK

**LordofLightning** : Capslock, Sandor.

**ReleasetheHound** : I DONT GIVE A FLYING BOLLOCKING SHIT THAT LITTLE CUNT IS A WANKER

**Whisperer** : Always so eloquent with your swearing, aren’t you?

**Whisperer** : Sometimes I get the urge to put you over my knee, and spank you, for all the naughty things that pour from your filthy mouth.

**ReleasetheHound** : FUCKS SAKE

**Whisperer** : Are you going to be a good little puppy for Mummy V? Or will Mister Hand pay a visit to Spankyland?

**ReleasetheHound** : K YOU WIN

**LionofCastamere** : doez that work on tyr lolololol!!!!

**Whisperer** : Unfortunately not. Tyrion is worse than I am.

**LordofLightning** : You two are like an old married couple, I swear.

**Whisperer** : I have suggested it, but he is oddly attractive and attracted to beautiful young Essosi women with enormous bosoms, and, to be frank, he is a little short for my tastes. I require more robustness in a mate. If we are unmarried in five years, we are going to marry each other, mostly for the wedding presents.

**LionofCastamere** : wtf tyr is gay?!?!?!?!?!

**LionofCastamere** : y is evri1 gay???

**_Oathkeeper has come online_ **

**LionofCastamere** : am i gay??? Mayb i am and dunno and is why i fite wit tor cos i fancy him :(

**Oathkeeper** : Oh, have I logged in at another interesting moment?

**LionofCastamere** : wench i am nt gay totes strait 4 hot pallytanks lol!

**Whisperer** : Having seen Oathkeeper’s character, and how she is rather short-haired, wearing plate mail, and flat-chested, perhaps you are attracted to the more masculine figure, dear?

**LionofCastamere** : :( y u so meen 2 me???

**Whisperer** : Because you are delicious when you are angry. Because you get all tense across the shoulders and I can see your six pack. Because you are my darling Tyrion’s big brother, and I adore tormenting you both. Because I can.

**LionofCastamere** : i totes have hot body wench!!! V says i do

**Whisperer** : All let down by your appalling typing, ridiculous hair, and foolish attempt at a beard.

**_CaptainSnuggles has come online_ **

**LordofLightning** : I like a beard on a man, it is a very distinguished look, especially if the man is going silver.

**Whisperer** : None as delightfully silver-fox as our benevolent and adorable Snuggles.

**CaptainSnuggles** : good evening all. Stannis calls me his little silver fox. He said about getting me a collar with his phone number on it, in case I get lost and he can’t find me.

**Whisperer** : I can give him the name of my supplier if he requires discreet custom work, Snuggles.

**LionofCastamere** : this is totes gay u guys

**LordofLightning** : I wonder if Ramsay would look nice with a beard?

**Whisperer** : Darling, do not go there. Bad things. Red flags.

**LordofLightning** : He is just an adorable little Hobbit, and I want to scoop him up and nibble his earlobe. Possibly avoiding his attempts to flay me or eat my face. He is just bloody gorgeous, Varys. Unfairly so.

**LordofLightning** : Why do I always fall for the ones that should come with a public health warning?

**LionofCastamere** : u r 2 nice 4 Flay. Y dont u ask some1 out who isnt psycho???

**LordofLightning** : Thank you, Jaime, that is very nice of you. If you do know of any gentleman who may be interested in a battered old soldier, then please, I would love to hear from them.

**CaptainSnuggles** : I’ll ask Stannis. He has a gay brother.

**Oathkeeper** : Renly is ever so nice. We were at school together for a little while. He’s really handsome, Beric, and he has a beard.

**LionofCastamere** : i am hotter than renly V says so u think of me nt renly

**LionofCastamere** : and he is shaggin loras EW LOL!!!

**LionofCastamere** : y u not askin oby for a 3some wit willas? He does 3somes ber

**Anonymous** : a man asks another man but he does not ask all men

**Anonymous** : a man admits this was in the past with Ellaria and has not been approached for the Rose and the Viper

**Anonymous** : a man thinks a bear has the best of beards, and no other man can compete

**Anonymous** : a man has slight facial hair envy for he cannot grow such splendor

**Whisperer** : Tormund does have a magnificent beard. I wonder what product he uses to make it so well managed?

**LionofCastamere** ; i protet u from tors beard wench!!! It catchs things and u mite disappear! Hid in my beard insted!

**LionofCastamere** : ill keep u safe :)

**LionofCastamere** : i give you all my hugs :):):)

**Oathkeeper** : Thank you, Jaime, but I think I can cope with Tor and his beard. But thank you for the sentiment.

**LionofCastamere** : nething 4 my wench :)

**ReleasetheHound** : THE CUNT IS TEXTING HER VARYS PLEASE DO YOUR MOJO SHIT AND FUCKING SHIV THE FUCKER IN THE EYEBALL OR SOME SHIT WITH YOUR PEN

**ReleasetheHound** : I DON’T WANT HIS WRINKLED GERIATRIC COCK TEXTING BOLLOCKS AT HER SHE IS YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL AND DOESNT WANT HIS OLD MAN PENIS IN HER PERFECT FACE BECAUSE SHE WANTS MINE

**SneakyBackstabber** : how muchll u pay me to go medieval on his head sandor? :D

**ReleasetheHound** : DO YOU TAKE IN GAME CASH?

**ReleasetheHound** : I SPENT FUCKING EVERYTHING ON BASTARD CONDOMS

**ReleasetheHound** : AND WE ARE RUNNING OUT

**SneakyBackstabber** : i will take ur gold and shiv him in the face :D

**LordofLightning** : No wonder Tor can’t sleep with you at it all of the time.

**ReleasetheHound** : TOR FUCKING CAN FUCKS SAKE FUCKING SLEEP WITH THE FUCKER FUCKING DEAD FUCK

**Whisperer** : It seems Sandor has reached maximum annoyance level; he communicates solely through the medium of fuck when that occurs, Brienne.

**Oathkeeper** : Do you know that you are all really mad?

**LionofCastamere** : mad 4 u pallybabe! Lololol!!!

**CaptainSnuggles** : that was quite smooth for you, Jaime.

**CaptainSnuggles** : and yes, Brienne, it is all a bit fucking mad in here.

**SneakyBackstabber** : u wash ur mouth with soap Davos LOL!!!!!

**Whisperer** : I am sure that sexy Stannis will find something more appropriate for Davos’ lovely mouth.

**SneakyBackstabber** : …

**LionofCastamere** : …

**ReleasetheHound** : …

**Oathkeeper** : Did you want to talk about paladin tank specs, Beric?

**LordofLightning** : You are the diplomat we need and possibly do not deserve, Brienne. Yes, shall we go private for it?

**LionofCastamere** : u get ur hands off my wench she iz mine not urs

**LordofLightning** : She is her own person. Really, Jaime, don’t be a dick?

**LordofLightning** : Also, I think you are directing your anger quite damagingly. Is there any coping technique that I can help with? Breathing therapy is very good for calming anxiety and stress.

**ReleasetheHound** : FUCK FUCKINGFUCKFUCJINMOTHERFUCKERFUCKS

**_ReleasetheHound has gone offline_ **

**SneakyBackstabber** : someone broke the hound :D

**_ReleasetheHound has come online_ **

**ReleasetheHound** :FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!

**_ReleasetheHound has gone offline_ **

**Whisperer** : I think we shouldn’t expect him for the raid this evening, somehow.

**CaptainSnuggles** : we’re going to be down then, we might have to borrow someone.

**Oathkeeper** : I have a friend who might be persuaded. He is an Arms warrior, very new, but he has potential. I’ve been helping him gear up.

**CaptainSnuggles** : is he online at the moment, Brienne, so I can have a chat with him?

**Oathkeeper** : Battle.net tag is SquireforHire

**Whisperer** : Oh Pod? Pod is a darling. So deliciously built.

**Oathkeeper** : Do you know everyone, Varys?

**Whisperer** : Only when they have shoulders like Pod. Those eyebrows. That delightfully stoic expression.

**LionofCastamere** : i dint kno pod plays i lik pod he iz funny lol!

**CaptainSnuggles** : Pod as in pint of Stella with a twist of lime, shot of lemonade Pod?

**SneakyBackstabber** : only u know people as drinks bossman :D:D:D

**CaptainSnuggles** : we’ve been wanting to get our hands on him for ages.

**CaptainSnuggles** : not in that way. He’s just a really nice young man.

**Whisperer** : I am somewhat in a very happy place at imagining the carnage of you and Stannis doing wonderful and illegal things to our innocent young Pod.

**SneakyBackstabber** : V u perv he is straight and has loads of girlfriends because he is good with his tongue :P:P:P

**Anonymous** : a man feels protective towards a Pod

**CaptainSnuggles** : sorry Varys, bit too far there. You know that Stannis and I are entirely monogamous, and even if we were not, Podrick is far too young and sweet.

**Whisperer** : I am feeling oddly guilty. Lords, have I ever gone too far even for myself before?

**LionofCastamere** : >:( u stay away from pod u perv he is gud boy and pallytank hotness iz his frend

**Whisperer** : My apologies.

**CaptainSnuggles** : accepted.  


 

* * *

 

**CaptainSnuggles** : I best unban Theon and Ramsay. Sadly we need them.

**_FlayforPay has come online_ **

**_IronSquid has come online_ **

**FlayforPay** : it puts the lotion on it’s skin or it gets the hose.

**IronSquid** : fuck that is so hot

**SneakyBackstabber** : LOL ERPING SILENCE OF THE LAMBS AGAIN!!!!

**_LordofLightning has come online_ **

**FlayforPay** : isn’t erp if it’s happening, bitch

**IronSquid** : u jelous bronn? Lol!

**LordofLightning** : Good evening, all.

**FlayforPay** : hi Beric, you okay?

**LordofLightning** : Yes, thank you Ramsay. How are you?

**IronSquid** : were gonna fuck later so he’s all good

**LordofLightning** : Should we postpone the mount grinding then, Ramsay?

**FlayforPay** : fuck, sorry Theon, forgot I promised Beric

**IronSquid** : ...ur turning down sex for beric and pixels???

**LordofLightning** : No, Ramsay, it is fine. I understand real life comes first.

**IronSquid** : no i come first >:(

**FlayforPay** : you come when I let you

**IronSquid** : yes master :D

**FlayforPay** : good Reek.

**LordofLightning** : So those paladin specs, Brienne? Really very interesting indeed; I like how you put your own spin on things.

**_Lightbringer has come online_ **

**Lightbringer** : Good evening, is everyone here?

**CaptainSnuggles** : we are waiting on Tormund, and Pod is stepping in for Sandor since Sandor is having another meltdown.

**Lightbringer** : What over this time?

**Whisperer** : Petyr Baelish fancies his new girlfriend, and he is worried that she may receive dick pics that seduce her to the Dark Side.

**Lightbringer** : It will be interesting to see Podrick giving his all. He is always so passionate about wanting to improve, and I am sure that we shall give him the opportunity.

**CaptainSnuggles** : so we have Varys and me for healing, Brienne and Tor for tanking. Six DPS consisting of Pod, Jaime, Ramsay, Theon. Just waiting on Jon and Robb.

**CaptainSnuggles** : no reserves for tonight, as they are all out getting drunk.

**LionofCastamere** : i was goin but i want 2 c brinny tank :):):)

**Whisperer** : We need to recruit another healer, Davos. It is unfair that we have to always in the raid as we are but two.

**LordofLightning** : I could ask Thoros, if you are interested? He mains a priest. Or we shall have to level Sam up quickly, which I rather not do as he actually enjoys the game.

**FlayforPay** : Thoros as in your ex who set fire to the church Thoros?

**LordofLightning** : Possibly the best Discipline priest I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. There is something beautiful about the masterful way he plays.

**FlayforPay** : my offspec is disc.

**IronSquid** : totes should be ur main spec lol! U r best at discipline :P:P:P

**FlayforPay** : not enough flaying, too much healing.

**_YoungWolf has come online_ **

**_KnowsEverything has come online_ **

**KnowsEverything** : we are here, sorry.

**YoungWolf** : got stuck in tesco in a big q.

**KnowsEverything** : when did dog food get so expensive?

**YoungWolf** : grey wind and ghost are fuckin massive tho

**SneakyBackstabber** : got to go work guys. Happy raiding :D:D:D

**CaptainSnuggles** : can you tell Shae that the John Smith’s barrel needs changing, and to get you to do it if she can’t handle it herself?

**SneakyBackstabber** : ayeaye bossman! :D

**CaptainSnuggles** : also that Think 21 are doing the rounds, so extra checking of IDs.

**SneakyBackstabber** : i ask then see if they are over eighteen so i can shag them lol! :D

**Lightbringer** : How you manage to do your job when trying to seduce students, I do not know. Really, isn’t there some sort of chastity device to have you concentrate on your career?

**_SneakyBackstabber has gone offline_ **

**Whisperer** : I can get you a catalogue for that, if needed, Stannis.

**_ManLovesBear has come online_ **

**ManLovesBear** : sorry im late! There was a fire and i went to put it out!  

**Oathkeeper** : You put out a fire?

**ManLovesBear** : im a fireman! I drive the engine and put fires out!

**Whisperer** : He has a uniform, Brienne.

**LionofCastamere** : i luk better in uniform min is army

**FlayforPay** : apart from you haven’t got a hand.

**LionofCastamere** : iz tragic story :( i am war wounded and hot like V say i am :( need hot pallylove 2 make it better lol!

**LionofCastamere** : hoter than firman!!!

**LionofCastamere** : wench i totly am hottr than tor!!!!!

**ManLovesBear** : my beard is like flame and im hot stuff!

**CaptainSnuggles** : if you two don’t behave, you will not be raiding. One more word, and I’ll give your places to someone else.

**Lightbringer** : You are the best second in command I could ask for, Davos.

**CaptainSnuggles** : only the best for you, my Lord Baratheon.

**Oathkeeper** : Pod asks if he can have an invite, please.

**_SquireforHire joins the guild <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_SquireforHire joins Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_Guild Message of the Day: Sunday 21:00 we shall raid the Tower of Joy. Will we finally take down Ser Dayne and rescue Princess Lyanna? For the Seven Kingdoms!_ **

**Lightbringer** : Good evening, SquireforHire, and welcome to the guild. May I be the first to welcome you to Seven Kingdoms? Please read the information in the Guild Message.

**SquireforHire** : Hi everyone :) It’s me, Pod.

**Whisperer** : Pod! You glorious boy!

**CaptainSnuggles** : finally we get you, Pod!

**LionofCastamere** : pod u big gril :D:D:D

**YoungWolf** : hey pod dude u good?

**Oathkeeper** : Hi Pod, it’s a bit mad in here but since you seem to know everyone, I’m sure you’ll be okay.

**LordofLightning** : Greetings and well met, young Podrick.

**IronSquid** : totes gonna swallow your big cock master

**IronSquid** : shit. Hi pod. We are not erping just planning for later lol! POD!!!!! <3

**FlaysforPay** : fuck’s sake bitch learn your channel numbers.

**FlaysforPay** : about time Pod.

**KnowsEverything** : good having u about Pod. U want to do buffs or me?

**ManLovesBear** : Pod is goin to be the best dps warrior we got!

**LionofCastamere** : i iz the bext u gotr tor y u ginger fuckweasel stup[d bear tank shit wors than pallytnak >:(

**ManLovesBear** : Pod has had Brienne teachin him and shes brilliant at everythin! You are just a big jessie with one hand and a tiny pecker!

**CaptainSnuggles** : your call, Stannis.

**Lightbringer** : I will not stand for such petty shows of animosity within Seven Kingdoms. You two are benched. I will not tolerate such ridiculousness. You have a week to consider your actions.

**_ManLovesBear has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**_LionofCastamere has been kicked from Guild Chat <Seven Kingdoms>_ **

**IronSquid** : woah its not us ramsay lol!

**FlaysforPay** : got a tank up your sleeve?

**SquireforHire** : I have tank gear if you need me to do some offtanking :) Brienne has been teaching me :)

**LordofLightning** : I can swap to my Death Knight tank if needed, though we could do with the Mage DPS given the lack of ranged now.

**Lightbringer** : We shall try with Podrick as our offtank. Two new tanks will be a challenge, but we have had worse.

**Lightbringer** : We have the best healers on the server. We have DPS who know what they are doing most of the time. We have two excellent young tanks who will carry us to glory.

**Lightbringer** : We few, we happy few. We band of brothers.

**Whisperer** : And there comes the Shakespeare.

**Whisperer** : I always thought Stannis would make an excellent medieval king.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **GLOSSARY:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Mindflay** \- it's a shadowpriest spell, which melts faces. It makes me happy.  
>  **Horde/Alliance** \- Orcs vs. humans basically. is an Alliance guild. I, myself, am bi-factional.  
>  **Forsaken** \- a race of the Horde. What is dead may never die - they are reanimated corpses. I play one. He's my main. I melt faces on him. Sometimes. I, like Thoros, am a master of Discipline.  
>  **Blood Elves** \- The Sin'dorei. Blond elfy types with nice hair that live on the Horde side.  
>  **Epics** \- Rare items of gear that make a character more durable and better at doing what they do.  
>  **Specs** \- Specialisations. Every class has 3 (or four if you're a greedy druid) that does various things. Some classes are purely for damage, but others can tank and/or heal as well. Ones that can only damage are 'pure' specs, and ones that can do a bit of everything are 'hybrids'.  
>  **Raid** \- going into a dungeon in game with a number of guild mates or random people, and smashing the shit out of anything you find in there. Gives epics.  
>  **Arms warrior** \- a DPS spec designed to be used with one very large, very angry-looking two-handed weapon.  
>  **Mount grinding** \- some mounts (horses, giant cats, rats (I need me one of those) etc.) can only be obtained through raiding dungeons, obtaining special currencies, or becoming friendly with in-game factions. Mount grinding consists, usually, of going to old raiding dungeons, on a weekly basis, killing the mob that has the mount, and then mourning because this is the 135th time you've killed it, and the percentage drop of the mount is about 0.03%. Yes. I am bitter.  
>  **DPS** \- Damage per second. The higher this number, the quicker what you want to kill dies.  
>  **Tank** \- Stands in front of the other characters and gets beaten on, so the monster doesn't go and eat the lovely squashy creamy-centred healers. Or DPS, but meh, they're expendable.  
>  **Healer** \- Makes people not die. Your favourite person ever, because we have the power of life and death over you. Ahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHA. etc.  
>  **Discipline priest** \- The One True Spec. Healing by DPSing makes me squirmy, plus we're adorable. Possibly unkillable, and fighting one may bore you into submission.  
>  **Buffs** \- Which have mostly been taken away with the new WoW expansion, but I wrote this thing in March. Buffs improve certain aspects of a character, such as health, so they're more durable, can do more damage etc.  
>  **ERP** \- Erotic Roleplaying. Having lived on a roleplaying server since 2005, I've seen a lot of this. I get Stannis at them, and want to correct spelling, grammar, and tense.


End file.
